They Have Support Groups For That?
by Aslan and Krac
Summary: Xander and Dawn organize an unusual intervention-for Buffy.


They Have Support Groups for That-Necrophilliac's Anonymous  
  
  
  
Shadows waved as Buffy Summers sauntered towards her home after a long night of vampire slaying. Humming an out of tune version of the disco hit 'Sex Bomb, she pranced up the porch steps and put her hand on the doorknob. It took a second for her to turn the knob and actually open the door. Her highly attuned slayer senses warned her of danger as she set eyes on the concerned faces of her friends. Willow, Xander, Spike, Dawn and Giles stared straight at her their eyes were flat and lifeless- yet oddly compelling.  
  
"Giles?" Buffy scrunched her face up in surprise, "Didn't you go back to England? What are you doing here?" Looking to Willow the confusion on her face spread, "Don't you hate me now? Aren't you my new Big Bad?" Then lobbing a finger towards the vampire, "I stopped sleeping with you are you back to steal more of my underwear?"  
  
"No Pet, I'm just exhibit B." Spike drawled looking very uncomfortable.  
  
Tilting her head Buffy seemed even more lost, "Exhibit B? Like on Law and Order?"  
  
"Hey, why don't we all just cut to the chase?" Xander asked remembering that he hadn't set the VCR to tape the law show before appearing at this little love in.  
  
Clearing his throat Giles began, "Yes why don't we. As you know Buffy I have been in England these last few months…"  
  
"Yes Giles," Buffy snapped. "I'm blonde, not retarded."  
  
Simultaneously Willow and Dawn coughed into their hands at that stunning revelation. As far as Dawn could remember her sister was not a natural blonde…and well, Willow found the rest of the stament humorous.  
  
"Well no…" Giles responded. "To continue Dawn and Xander have apprised me of a little situation occuring here now."  
  
"Is some sort of evil demon going to end the world again?" Buffy asked, "I think I could handle that Giles. I've got all of Sunnydale's foulest licked!"  
  
A snort of laughter erupted from Spike and Dawn, while Xander muttered under his breath. "That's the problem."  
  
"How is licking evil a problem?" Buffy asked once more, "I thought we were here to fight darkness?"  
  
In the face of Buffy's inordinate blankness Willow exploded, "I can't take this any more! Listen to me you necrophilial crackwhore! The only reason this dump hasn't been completely overrun by demons is because we helped you! Without us you'd have stayed dead not once but twice. You're standing here right now because of me- as much as I rue that decision now. We stood by your side- whenever you needed us, we were there…Always for you. We fought, we bled, and we died right along with you every time. We gave you everything and never asked for anything in return but to be your friend. And how did you repay us? By crying, bitching and fucking the evil undead right beneath our noses. I'm tired of cleaning up your messes…from now on when you make your bed you can die in it. I'm so fucking sick of protecting you and making sure your sister is safe so that you can go out and indulge your sick fetishes! You're a necrophiliac, a nymphomaniac, not to mention a souless egocentric bitch." Willow gasped ragggedly, trying desperately to hold herself together. Trying not to drown under the ocean of hatred and fury she felt as she glared down her ex- best friend. "The woman I loved died and still everything seems to revolve around you… And then you have the gall to wonder why I want to nail your ass to the nearest wall. Just the sight of you makes me want to stick dulled acupuncture needles in your eyes!" Willow's face was red with rage but it paled as she took a deep cleansing breath, "Bye Xander, Dawn. It was good seeing you again Giles."  
  
Standing the evil witch began to storm out of the house. "Bye, Red." Spike called out gaily.  
  
"Fuck you, Spike." Willow hissed back, stopping in her tracks. "You're as bad as she is! Let's try an experiment shall we? Your rep for evil is already circling the bowl how fast would you be flushed if I let a few people down at Willy's know what you've been doing or better yet who you've been doing lately? I mean fucking her would be one thing-but you're in LOVE with her-that's just sick."  
  
"Nooooooooooo…" Spike howled throwing himself at the witch as she stormed out the door slamming it soundly behind her.  
  
Xander easily caught the blond menace by his coat and dragged him back to the couch. "Not so fast Fangless, we're not done here."  
  
"Will this horror never end…Please, just stake me now." Spike cringed.  
  
Xander affectionately patted Spike's cheek. "Now, now Blondie…What would be the fun in that? There's plenty of pain, humiliation and degredation left to go around…Besides, I promised Dawn I'd let you live- you wouldn't want me to go back on my word, would you?"  
  
"Yes…" Spike moaned as he heard Buffy begin to prattle on.  
  
"It's nice to see that Willow's moved on…I was afraid losing Tara would be the death of her."  
  
Giles sighed, took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes vigorously. "Buffy, did you listen to a word she said?"  
  
"Of course Giles, I'm not completely oblivious or self-involved. She said the world revolves around me and that she wants to nail my ass. Like I said I'm glad she's moved on…but I'm like so not into girls. that's just ewww. I hope I can find a way to let her down easy- she's had way too much heartache for such a short life- nowhere near as much as me though- no one has faced and triumphed over as much heartache as I have but I'm just made of sterner stuff…you know being the slayer and all. So what's up guys, and why are you here Giles…New big bad, right? Or a new end of the world scenario…Is this about Willow? Have you thought of a way to get her back to normal or what? She's seriously bumming me out. I mean, did no one ever get their heart broken before her or what. I mean first she's acting like losing Tara is worse than death and now she's coming on to me like I'm Fetch Dickson or something- it's absurd. She's acting nutty as a fruitcake, I mean It's not like she had to kill the love of her life to save the world or anything. Believe me, sending Angel to hell was much more traumatic than seeing Tara get shot…and I think I handled that reasonably well. That's the life of a slayer though all sacrifice and pain but I fight on…It's my duty. I have resigned myself to it…" Buffy sighed dramatically. "With great power comes great responsibility. I will bear the weight of the world until I become a greasy heroic smear upon the land."  
  
"Jesus Buffy, Somebody saw Spider-man one too many times." Dawn growled.  
  
"Heroic smear…" Xander sniggered glancing at Dawn, "The more she talks the closer that day gets…Willow would skin her alive if she'd heard that little speech."  
  
"I taped it." Spike giggled holding up Willow's little tape recorder. "I've gotta do something to keep the witch from tattling on me."  
  
Buffy pulled her head out of her ass…err…out of the air and glanced around. "Why are you guys being so secretive…why are you here? Share?" The bleached blonde- Buffy, not Spike demanded imperiously.  
  
"Giles, for god's sake end this before I stake myself!" Xander cried agonized.  
  
"Pet, you're not a vampire." Spike pronounced.  
  
Xander glared "You just keep giving Buffy a run for her money in the stupidity race don't you, moron."  
  
"Bite me!" Spike cried.  
  
"You're not even a vampire anymore are you Spike? Buffy defanged you as well as emasculated you…You're not the big bad, you're just the big, fluffy pink bunny slippers of evil. You're not scary or frightening- you're just pathetic." Xander countered.  
  
"Hey," Buffy cried. "I thought this was about me!"  
  
"Buffy we're gathered here to talk about your paraphilia…" Giles began tactfully.  
  
"My paraphernalia? What? My purse doesn't match my skirt, my earrings clash with my hair? As kind as it is for you to come all this way to help me accessorize Giles, I really don't need your help to dress myself. You on the other hand are in desperate need of a make-over."  
  
Giles gaped then shut his mouth with a snap. Stunned totally speechless Xander picked up the gauntlet and ran with it. "Buffy, this is an intervention…your intervention."  
  
"An interview? With who? Do I need to change, cause I slayed in this outfit…I must stink of vampire…" Buffy made a movement towards the stairs.  
  
"Intervention! Intervention! Intervention! I hate you! I hate you. I hate you. Stop fucking vampire's you stupid, necrophilial slut. It's wrong, wrong, wrong! It's gross, not to mention unhygenic…You're selfish, kinky and stupid. You're the vampire slayer, not the vampire layer, vampire fucker or whatever. You're supposed to stake vampire's not let them stake you. Get some proffessional help before I run off and join the circus!" Dawn howled, jumping up to slam her way towards her room, calling out a parting shot just before noisily slamming her door and locking behind her. "I'm ashamed to call you my sister!"  
  
"Jeez, what crawled up her ass and died." Buffy intoned startled.  
  
"Giles, I'm scared." Xander whispered.  
  
"Me too, pet…me too." Spike added, suddenly wishing he had a cross.  
  
"Can we please get on with this Giles, I have a date. I met him last night. He's a dream." Buffy giggled.  
  
"Where'd you meet him, Buff?" Xander hedged.  
  
Buffy gave him her big cow eyes. "On patrol…"  
  
"Ummm…errr…near the cemetery?" Giles prodded.  
  
Buffy squinted at her ex-watcher. "Maybe."  
  
"Near an open grave perhaps?" Giles continued.  
  
"Bloody hell…It is a pattern." Spike mumbled.  
  
"Don't you feel special, Spike. You'll be forever remembered as dead guy number 2. Well, three if you count Riley and his bottomless pit of a personality." Xander quipped.  
  
"Buffy…" Giles rubbed his temple worriedly… "Was your young man pale- say Angel or Spike-pale?"  
  
"It was dark. Sheesh, of course he was pale. How'd you guess, Giles? " Buffy asked awed. "Did you kill a demon and inherit it's powers like I did back in Season three…I mean like I did back before my mom died, my 'normal' boyfriend became a blood-whore thereby betraying me, breaking my heart and leading me into a doomed spiral that culminated in me dying again in front of all my friends? Sacrificing myself in order to save the world and my previoulsy mentioned friends who then with malice afore-thought ripped me from heaven forcing me to seek comfort in the arms of the only person who could understand the sheer, utter agony of my predicament."  
  
"What understanding? I just liked your breasts." Spike muttered.  
  
"Yep," Xander responded ignoring Spike. "And believe me, now we see the error of our ways…now the only thing Willow wants to rip from you is your eyes…well, maybe your tongue or your few remaining brain cells. Apparently bleach does not do a body good."  
  
"Hey!" Spike growled.  
  
"You're exhibit A Spike, you're moving up in the world."  
  
"Buffy, you are sick. You need help. You are a necrophiliac…"  
  
"Giles, Giles, Giles…" Buffy responded fondly, her voice containing a trace of concern. "It makes me so happy to know that I mean so much to you that you'd put your whole life on hold to come back and help me but I'm fine. In fact if anyone was in danger of suffering from necrophilia it would be you- you're British."  
  
"Huh?" Xander responded eruditely exchanging startled looks with the two Brits.  
  
"You know that blood clotting disease that the royal family gave everyone because they're so inbred over there. I'm the vampire slayer. Giles, If I had necrophilia, I'd know it. Do you know how often vampires try to bite me? I bleed a lot. No clotting problems here."  
  
Giles stared open-mouthed. "You're awfully pale Giles maybe you're the real Necro here. Do they have a test for that? You should get checked." Buffy traded in her cow-eyes for deep concern and affection…Giles didn't notice a difference as Buffy's emotional affect was already flatter than a pancake.  
  
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph…I came all the way from England for this…"  
  
"Awww…no, Giles. I'm glad you came. I missed you." Buffy grinned.  
  
"Did you even notice I left…" Giles muttered.  
  
"Of course Giles, losing you broke my heart even more than Riley's betrayal or Angel turning to Angelus. Without you here I was lost but then I bucked up because I'm the slayer. It taught me to endure great pain with class and take agony and beytrayal in stride. I'm the slayer, my life is all pain, grief and sacrifice…I will endure."  
  
"So, you flying back tonight, Rupes." Spike questioned while Buffy took a much needed breath.  
  
"God, yes. Xander would you like to come with me?"  
  
"Hell yes…I need to get the fuck out of dodge before I end up in a strait jacket and padded cell for snapping her neck. I can't handle this full- time Giles-I'm ready to snap. Living with her is like being skinned alive slowly as hot pins are stuck into my eyeballs. Not to mention the hot pokers and other parts of my anatomy."  
  
The two Brits winced in sympathy. "What about Dawn? We can't leave her here."  
  
"You're goddamn right you can't!" Dawn gestured rudely from the entryway, two suitcases at her feet and a box in her hands… "You leave me in this asylum and I 'll hunt you down when Buffy's next boy-toy makes me his snack."  
  
"Guys, this is fun and all but I have a date…I'm just gonna go get ready while you visit, okay? We'll make time to get together tomorrow Giles and spend some quality time together. It'll be like old times. Have fun, and make sure Dawn is in bed before dawn, 'kay." Buffy sniggered at her joke as she rushed up the stairs.  
  
"Fuck me gently with a chainsaw." Xander muttered.  
  
"Now we know where Dawn picked up her new vocabulary." Giles growled. "You'll have to clean up that language young man. I won't have the two of you swearing like sailors and embarassing me on the plane."  
  
"Whatever, let's just get out of here before she comes back." Spike shuddered. All eyes turned to him in an incredulous glare. "Hey, we had sex- we didn't talk for hell's sake! I had sex with her isn't that punishment enough!"  
  
"Right…that's why you went back for seconds, huh?" Xander glowered.  
  
"And thirds." Dawn murmurred accusingly.  
  
Giles sighed… "I suppose. Goodbye, Spike…Give Willow our love and our good wishes. May she find what she's looking for…or whatever."  
  
Rising from his place on the couch Xander grinned wolfishly, "If I didn't loathe you with a fiery passion I'd say it would be cruel to leave you behind but really it's all you deserve. I guess we really should be careful what we wish for shouldn't we, Spike?  
  
"What?" Spike squeaked.  
  
"Tootles, Fangless." Xander threw back as the group left the startled vampire behind.  
  
"You're leaving me!" Spike cried flabbergasted chasing the group escaping from the Summer's residence. "But, but you're the good guys…You can't leave me here. With you lot gone- who do you think that crazy bitch is going to turn to? Me! That's who! The nattering alone will drive me batty…please watcher, I'll give you my firstborn! Please…"  
  
As they threw everything into the car Giles watched the vampire a little peevishly. "Firstborn?"  
  
"Hey, anything Peaches can do, I can do better." Spike smirked.  
  
"Not interested Spike. See you around." Xander responded bundling everyone into the car.  
  
The last sound Spike heard as the car drove away was Dawn crying enthusiastically. "Can we run over the welcome sign, Xander? It's almost a tradition."  
  
"Fuck me." Spike mumbled as Buffy bounded out of the house, cheerfully waving at the car disappearing into the night.  
  
"Sorry, Spike. I told you it was over. I wish you'd just get over me…someday you will learn to love again. I don't want you pining for me forever it would just be another overwhelming burden for my already overburdened conscience to bear. I want you to be happy Spike, I'd hate to think I ruined you for women for all eternity."  
  
"Nah, I've got a date…right now actually." Spike responded not meeting the Slayer's eyes, in case she decided she wanted to stay and talk further.  
  
"Oh really, who?" The slayer pouted prettily. He'd moved on a little too quickly for her tastes.  
  
"No one you know…" Spike responded. After all had she ever really known Willow…had anyone? The fiery witch had unplumbed depths that no one had ever explored. If anyone could destroy the great layer of vampires before him it would have to be her former sidekick.  
  
"Oh well, I wish I'd gotten Xander to drop me off at Memorial for my date, it's a long walk." Buffy whimpered.  
  
"Isn't that a cemetery?" Spike glared.  
  
"Yes…We're meeting there then going out for a quick bite." Buffy grinned sunnily, anticipating the evening ahead as she walked off to meet her new 'friend'.  
  
"Hell, witch…" Spike groaned aloud. "You better have a plan. Besides what if some misguided soul turns the stupid bint? We'd never get rid of her. " Without further ado Spike headed towards Willow's and hioped against hope that the witch would hear him out. Not to mention that she'd not yet had time to broadcast his dirty little secret to the demon population of Sunnydale and beyond. Spike sighed; tonight was going to be a long night. 


End file.
